Submitted by Ylisa Kunze:
Composer Effects
The Mozart Effect
     A new report now suggests that the Mozart effect may be a fraud. For you hip urban professionals: no, playing Mozart for your designer baby may not improve his IQ or help him get into that exclusive pre-school. He'll just have to be admitted to Harvard some other way.
     Of course, we're all better off for listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. However, one wonders that if playing Mozart sonatas for little Hillary or Jason could boost their intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played in their developmental time?
LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.
BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.
WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.
MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams - at great length and volume that he's dying.
SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.
BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child doesn't care because all his playmates think he's cool.
IVES EFFECT: the child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
GLASS EFFECT: the child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
STRAVINSKY EFFECT: the child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.
BRAHMS EFFECT: the child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12, etc).  However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.
AND THEN OF COURSE, THE CAGE EFFECT -- CHILD SAYS NOTHING FOR 4 MINUTES, 33 SECONDS. PREFERRED BY 9 OUT OF 10 CLASSROOM TEACHERS.

Submitted by Richard Pace:
     Another addition to the musical glossary:
     Approximatura - singing or playing a group of notes, almost as written.

Submitted by Yvette Vasquez:
     Anxious about the sight-reading portion of the up-coming re-auditions?  Yvette thought this might be a jumping off place for folks (read, "chorus humor")--literally.  
     Enjoy reading (or trying to read) Faerie's Aire and Death Waltz.
Click on either image to open a pdf file for easy viewing and printing.

Submitted by Mady Buchbinder and Joyce Hawkins:
These notes walk into a bar...
     A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
     An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.  A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
     Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
     Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
     The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
     This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and  everything else, and stands there au natural.
     Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.  The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
     The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, and the sopranout in the bathroom, everything has become altoo much treble; he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

Submitted by Paul Zorovich:
The Rules for Anglican Chant
     1. When you hear the organ chord, take a big breath and start chanting. Some others may choose to enter with the organ, but all can be accommodated.
     2. The first couple of words should be sung fairly slowly, but then you can start to pick up speed.  The only exception to the rule occurs when the half verse is very long. In this instance, begin quickly and start to slow down as you approach the end of the verse.
     3. Verses are often broken by commas and semicolons.  There are two schools of thought here. One school says that you must break after every punctuation mark, even if there is only one word ("Lo!"); the other school says that we must observe the "sense of the
words." There will be different interpretations of the "sense." All of the above options must be accommodated in the same performance.
     4. As you reach the cadential figure, stop and take A breath even if the sense of the words moves on - devotees of the "sense" school will continue anyway. There are two schools of thought here. The "Bump and Bawl" school sings the cadential figure slowly, metrically and loudly. The "Speech Rhythm" school tries to sing the text in speech rhythm. The members of this group can always be identified by the way in which they roll their eyes at the B group.  The Speech Rhythm group often has difficulty agreeing How a passage should be read. They are fond of having the choir recite the passage without music. The variety of results usually makes the B group roll their eyes.
     5. Always be ready for the Anglican Chant "wild card" which consists of the dreaded marginal rubric "2nd," directing that there is an uneven number of verses and the 1st half must be dropped. The general result is usually 80% go to the 2nd half, 20% forget
and return to the 1st half. All choir members agree that King David is at fault.
     6. Singers should be ready for Puccini-esque Touches in the organ accompaniment. The mention of a bird In the text will often produce a twitter on a 1 2/3' Waldvogel, while the mention of any large animal may produce a blast on the 64' Bombarde. Smiling knowingly at these touches is considered sophisticated in most choir circles.
     7. All chanting should be concluded with the choirmaster running his/her fingers though his/her remaining hair in despair and the choir members sitting sheepishly with their heads bowed.
     Selah.

Submitted by Richard Pace:
Biography from an unidentified piano recital. 
     Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here and abroad for many years for some of the world's leading pianists. 
     In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which sent her to Israel to study page turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 Rimsky Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal, having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in "grace, swiftness, and especially poise." 
     For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring the pianist's view of the music. She is page turner in residence in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute. 
     Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice house on a lake. 

Submitted by Paul Zorovich :
New Members' Aptitude Test
(While this was written with a church choir in mind, it should give people a chuckle.)
     In order to measure your level of proficiency as a member of a choral group, the following test has been carefully developed by experts. Read and reflect on each situation, then select the option that will enhance the quality of the performance.

1) You are in a choir processional and suddenly trip on your robe and fall down. You should:
  a) Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer.
  b) Pretend that you've had a heart attack.
  c) Crawl into the nearest pew.
  d) Begin speaking in tongues.

2) You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you boom out a high C a measure too soon. You should:
  a) Slide into an inspired "O For A Thousand Tongues To Sing."
  b) Look triumphant and hold that note.
  c) Stop abruptly in mid-squawk but keep your lips moving.
  d) Sink to the floor in shame.

3) You are conducting choir and orchestra in a very important performance when suddenly you lose your grip and hurl the baton into the audience. You should:
  a) Grab a cellist's bow and proceed with aplomb.
  b) Without acknowledging the loss, coolly continue and occasionally flex the invisible baton to drive everybody mad.
  c) Inform the impaled individual that you have a piece of the rock.
  d) Signal for the engineer to turn on the house lights while you crawl about in search of the baton.

4) After all those long, hard rehearsals you show up twenty minutes late. You should:
  a) Climb into the back row from the baptistry.
  b) Read Sister M. Stephen's pamphlet "Techniques for Tardy Appearances."
  c) Slash your wrists in the choir room.
  d) Enter pretending to be a sound technician checking cables, then subtly move into the choir.

5) The person sharing your music in rehearsal had a garlic tamale for lunch. You should:
  a) Complain of lack of air, grab your throat, fall convulsed on the floor, and mutter "garlic, ugh, garlic..."
  b) Pass the offender a hymnal opened to "Purify Me, Lord."
  c) Sing without inhaling.
  d) Say "I detect garlic tamale on your breath. Do you have a recipe for that?"

6) While singing, you discover that the librarian has provided only one page of a two-page hymn. You should:
  a) Hum for your life.
  b) Sing "Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon."
  c) Improvise a descant on "ooo."
  d) Try to get a hymnal out of the chair rack with your foot.

7) Inevitably, the dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the end of "God Be In My Head." You should:
  a) As you sneeze, stomp down on your neighbor's instep to cause a diversion.
  b) Cram your stole into your mouth to muffle the noise.
  c) Try to sneeze in harmony.
  d) It doesn't really matter -- the director will kill you anyway.

Submitted by Lyndon Woodside:
Choir Singing is Healthy
     This article is actually not meant to be a joke, but it will make you smile anyway.  
     Click here.

Submitted by Ylisa Kunze:
THE REHEARSAL POLICE
Summons
     [ - Name of offender - ]
VOCAL OFFENSES - schedule of fines:
Obtrusive Vocal Technique   $20.00
Unsuccessful Pitch Approximation    $10.00
Any Hint of Countertenor Singing    $15.00
Snoring     $20.00
Snoring while Singing   $50.00
EERIE VOCAL SIMILARITY TO:
Elmer Fudd  $25.00
Bert Lahr   $25.00
Natural Disasters   $25.00
Death Screams (not in score)    $50.00
Obstruction of Diction  $25.00
Ungodly Noises (Musical)    $25.00
Failure to Negotiate Register Breaks    $15.00
Grotesque Facial Expressions While Singing  $30.00
IMPERSONATING A PROFESSIONAL:
Stupid Questions    $10.00
Really Stupid Questions $25.00
Really Stupid Questions Which Increase Rehearsal Length $300.00
PRESUMPTUOUS FIRST YEAR BEHAVIOR:
Musicology  $25.00
Historical Nitpicking   $50.00
Use of Tape Recorder    $25.00
Endless Diction Questions   $100.00
Raising Hand after Neighbor's Mistake   $25.00
Obtrusive Foot Tapping      $10.00
Uninvited Conducting    $15.00
GENERAL TOADYING:
Insane Cackling at Conductors' Bad Jokes    $50.00
Unwarranted Beatific Smiling While Singing  $40.00
Conspicuous Professional Reading (e.g. Opera News, etc.) $35.00
Stultifyingly Minute Vocal Technique Questions  $75.00
Conversations with Conductor in Language other than English $95.00
Conspicuous Score Marking   $15.00
Violent Nodding $25.00
Obvious, Insipid Score Studying During Breaks   $50.00
Affected Artfulness in Rhythmic Reading     $60.00
Obsequiously Erect Posture  $50.00
Warming up during Rehearsal     $35.00
Singing Full Voice in the Front Row     $50.00
Raising Hand after Making Mistake   $40.00
References to Obscure Recordings/Performances   $90.00
Pretending to Understand Absurd Metaphor    $15.00
Actually Understanding Absurd Metaphor  $25.00 
ANNOYING BEHAVIOR BY VETERANS:
Singing High Notes Louder than Possible     $25.00
Holding Same 1/4 beat Longer than Everyone Else     $200.00
Failing to Mark $30.00
Marking All but High Notes  $50.00
Singing Unassigned Solo Parts (sotto voce)  $25.00
Singing Unassigned Solo Parts (fortissimo)      $100.00
Obvious Use of Beverages for Vocal Purposes     $75.00
Discussing Vocal Technique during Rehearsal     $100.00
Discussing Vocal Technique during break $500.00
Feigning European Birth by "Lapsing" into Foreign Language $100.00
Tiresome Time-Consuming Anecdotes   $30.00
Bringing the Full Score $25.00
Naming Yourself after an Opera      $900.00
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE:
Decomposing     $25.00
Offensive Fragrances    $35.00
Selling Amway Products      $500.00
Absurd Fashion Statements   $50.00
Having Entirely Too Much Fun    $10.00
Chorus Interruptus  $50.00

Submitted by Ylisa Kunze:
SOPRANO I-Q TEST
1) When making a 1:30 appointment for a coaching, the correct time to arrive is at?
    a) 2:15
    b) 2:45
    c) 1:30
    d) not at all
2) The aria "Vissi d'arte" from Puccini's opera Tosca is from which opera?
    a) Rigoletto
    b) Parsifal
    c) Tosca
    d) Sarka
3) When told you are singing behind the beat, that means to...?
    a) sing faster
    b) step to the side
    c) show how historically sopranos did this for "inflection" 
4) Which would be the correct choice for a sexual partner?
    a) the conductor
    b) the married baritone
    c) a stagehand
    d) all of the above
5) Most sopranos begin with the following when studying a role?
    a) CD1
    b) CD2
    c) Highlights
6) When preparing for an important rehearsal, one must...?
    a) warm up
    b) have the music learned
    c) have the text translated
    d) look great
7) A soprano must possess which of the following for a career in opera?
    a) good technique
    b) good musical instincts
    c) good dramatic instincts
    d) a fur coat
8) When switching from the lyric soprano rep to spinto, one should...?
    a) sing louder
    b) sing slower
    c) gain weight
9) Name a famous soprano who lived in the past.
    a) Rosa Ponselle
    b) Lily Pons
    c) Kirstin Flagstad
    d) Aprile Millo
    e) all of the above
10 Unscramble these operas, if you can:
    a) La raviataT
    b) The Magic luteF
    c) The Marriage of Gifaro

Submitted by Paul Zorovich:
THE YOUNG PERSON'S GUIDE TO THE CHORUS 
     In any chorus, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass. Sometimes these are divided into first and second within each part, prompting endless jokes about first and second basses. There are also various other parts such as baritone, countertenor, contralto, mezzo soprano, etc., but these are mostly used by people who are either soloists, or belong to some excessively hotshot classical a cappella group (this applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make excuses for not really fitting into any of the regular voice parts, so we will ignore them for now. Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very different personality.
     You may ask, "Why should singing different notes make people act differently?", and indeed this is a mysterious question and has not been adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go with being tenors, french horn players, timpanists, or whatever. However, this is beside the point; the fact remains that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished, and I will now explain how.
     THE SOPRANOS are the ones who sing the highest, and because of this they think they rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier skirts than anyone else, and they consider themselves insulted if they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any given piece. When they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least half again as long as the composer and/or conductor requires, and then complain that their throats are killing them and that the composer and conductor are sadists. Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them inferior. Altos are to sopranos rather like second violins to first violins - nice to harmonize with, but not really necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same, and they don't understand why anybody would sing in that range in the first place - it's so boring. Tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets with tenors because all the tenors are doing is working very hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos are up there in the stratosphere showing off. To sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth - they sing too damn loud, are useless to tune to because they're down in that low, low range - and there has to be something wrong with anyone who sings in the F clef, anyway (although while they swoon while the Tenors sing, they still end up going home with the basses).
     THE ALTOS are the salt of the earth - in their opinion, at least. Altos are unassuming people, who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to. Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to complain about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know that all the other sections think their parts are pitifully easy. But the altos know otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A, they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the sopranos are singing too loud (and the basses usually are, too). Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos have an innate distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the same range and think they sound better. They like the basses, and enjoy singing duets with them - the basses just sound like a rumble anyway, and it's the only time the altos can really be heard. Altos' other complaint is that there are always too many of them and so they never get to sing really loud.
     THE TENORS are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a few altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors there are are always really good - it's one of those annoying facts of life. So it's no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads - after all, who else can make sopranos swoon? The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't possibly be a real man. In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this, but just complain louder about the composer being a sadist and making them sing so damn high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections - the sopranos because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses because, although they can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors out. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else while singing.
     THE BASSES sing the lowest of anybody. This basically explains everything. They are stolid, dependable people, and have more facial hair than anybody else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they are actually the most important part (a view endorsed by musicologists, but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most boring part of anybody and often sing the same note (or in endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with - most basses are tuba players at heart. Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes. Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning with the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos - - except when they have duets and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in an alternate universe which the basses don't understand at all. They can't imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.
author unknown

Submitted by Elaine Boxer:
"Lyndonisms" 2002-2003
     Elaine Boxer has been taking notes - saving, for posterity, some of the more amusing things that Lyndon says to us during rehearsal.  Try to picture (or maybe you actually remember) Lyndon saying the following:
11/21/02
     - Some of you are very eager to sing that... wrong.
     - I HOPE no one comes in there. It'll cost you $10 an entrance.
12/05/02
     - (after a long silent pause) ...Do you know where we are?
12/12/02
     - I would like to have an electrical connection - during the performance - so I can buzz you whenever I want you to look at me.
     - Well, that is sounding, um, as we say down south: "it gets soggier & soggier."
     - The sopranos are all alone there. Anyone else who comes in there is a Total Nerd.
2/6/03
     - That was basically wretched.
     - It has dawned on me how few rehearsals we have between now and the concert, and so I've turned nasty.
2/8/03
     - You sang a C there with great authority, and nothing to back it up.
2/22/03
     - You sound like you need more denture grip.
2/27/03
     - Let's see if the tenors have any memory at all.
     - Do it again. I don't trust you.
     - The performance is Thursday. It would be nice to see you there.
3/20/03
     - There are three kinds of tenors in the world. And I'll tell you about them if you ask me privately.
4/26/03
     - You'd be surprised at what I'm thinking up here.
     - Basses: when you go for that nice comfortable low note, don't drop your whole package down there. Um...wait...that didn't come out how I meant it.
5/10/03
     - Here is a tip: if you sounded like a chicken, you goofed.
     - When I look at you, I see mules wearing blinders, to keep you from being distracted by any conductors.
5/17/03
     - Come on, tenors. Sound like men.
5/19/03
     - This is a total, total autocracy. And I am the autocrat. 

Submitted by Kathleen Flaherty:
A Glossary of Choral Music Terms
Tonic:
     A smooth liquid generally enjoyed over ice after choir rehearsal.
Dominant:
     In a choral relationship, usually the soprano.
Augmentation:
     Delicate surgery for altos involving the implantation of "falsettos".
Leitmotif:
     Like a regular motif, but less filling.
Score:
     Basses 8, Tenors 0.
Riff:
     What happens when someone takes your choir robe.
Contralto:
     An alto who has been convicted of a felony.
Polychoral Motet:
     Six parrots singing "Exultate Justi".
Aleatoric Music:
     Music composed by the random selection of pitches and rhythms. 
     Frequently found in the performance of the choir anthem.
Basso Continuo:
     When the conductor can't get the fools to stop singing.
Castrato:
     The highest male voice (some alteration required.)
Etude:
     What comes right before the Beatitudes.
Concerto Grosso:
     An accordion concert.
Glissando:
     What directly precedes the highest note in the soprano part.
Theme:
     We HATE this anthem.
Theme and Variations:
     We HATE this anthem, the composer and all his/her family.
Smorzando:
     The "All-you-can-eat" buffet at Luciano's.
Grand Pause:
     When the conductor loses his place.
Perfect Pitch:
     Throwing an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the sides.
Cantus Firmus:
     A singer in good physical condition (as opposed to "Cantus Flabbioso".)
Antiphonal:
     Screening all your calls.
Sackbutt:
     A choral singer over 65.
Choral Partitas:
     Small choir get-togethers that are frequently interrupted by the police.
Fantasia:
     An alto in a leather choir robe.

Submitted by Lou Iacovino:

Submitted by Elaine Clisham:
Classical Music Puns:  Click here to listen. 

Submitted by Richard Pace:
Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one.  She holds it up, and the world revolves around her.